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Not putting my address
Here for obvious reasons
Royal Leamington Spa
Warwickshire
CV31 1BB

16th May 2012

Dear The Queen,

First of all, may I take this opportunity to congratulate you on your 60th year on the throne? It is a magnificent achievement by a remarkable monarch.

What is not so magnificent, nor indeed remarkable, is the service I received when, recently, I called your office to make a perfectly legitimate enquiry.
I was extremely disappointed when the lady who answered the phone chose not shed any light on whether contingency plans were in place for the second coming of Christ. I am offended, both as a man of God and fan of the Royal Family.

Naturally, it would be a great shame if all the planning that had gone into the Jubilee weekend were to go to waste at the hands of the apocalypse. However, nobody can deny that Jesus is, like you, a very important person. All I wished to know is whether this highly significant and unpredictable religious event has been legislated for.

Were I God, I should imagine I’d find the Diamond Jubilee weekend quite an attractive one to send my son back to earth on. With the eyes of the world’s media on the stage at the celebratory garden party, it represents a PR opportunity for the almighty like no other. Surely it would make sense to offer up a few prayers asking him to save the date? Otherwise, we might be facing the biggest diary mix-up since the head of ITV had to cancel his trip to the hairdressers on the day Jeremy Kyle came in on work experience.

I hope that you will be able to shed some light on the matter, and that the person who answered the phone will be fired.

Warmest Regards,


Tom Davies